


Growth

by Horacia



Category: Critical Role (Web Series), Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Gen, the relationship is platonic if that wasn't clear, this is corny but my heart aches for essek and i needed to write something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29277606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horacia/pseuds/Horacia
Summary: Post episode 124, Caduceus goes to say goodbye to Essek before the Mighty Nein heads out, and catches him mid-panic attack. Trigger warning for an implication of suicidal thoughts.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 12
Kudos: 96





	Growth

He had to step out. He had so much work to do. If he wasn’t out there, people would talk. The spotlight on him would increase. But his stomach was lurching, violently. His heartbeat thrummed in his ears, and he feared that at any moment, it would stop all together. It was so idiotic. Why did the body have one giant off-switch? One organ which, if it failed, was the end of everything? He couldn’t get air into his lungs. The floor was tipping to the side.

Distantly, he registered someone calling his name. He opened his mouth to respond, but like a dream, nothing came out but a small breath. The door opened, and he nearly passed out.

 _This is it,_ he thought.

Instead, there was a rush of pink as Caduceus entered, took one look at him, and closed the door behind him.

“Come here,” said Caduceus.

Before he could topple, Essek felt hands under his elbows as Caduceus scooped him up, and gently sat him on the edge of his bed. Caduceus knelt in front of him, taking his hands in his own.

“Close your eyes,” said Caduceus.

He did.

“Breathe in for four seconds,” said Caduceus, “One…two…three…”

Essek followed his lead, his lungs expanding for what felt like too long. Caduceus had him hold the breath for seven seconds, and exhale for eight. He counted Essek through this process several times, holding his hands all the while until they stopped shaking.

“Alright,” Caduceus said, “You can open them.”

The firbolg’s eyebrows were crinkled in a sympathetic expression. Essek felt nauseous and cold, but the room had stopped tipping at least.

“Is that… Is that the first time that’s happened?” asked Caduceus.

Essek swallowed.

“No,” he said.

Caduceus nodded.

“One second,” he said, and stood up.

He reached for something behind the elf, and in another moment Essek felt his top blanket draped around his shoulders. Caduceus knelt in front of him again.

“When it happens again, remember your breathing,” said Caduceus, “Four, seven, eight.”

Essek nodded.

“We’re about to leave,” said Caduceus, “I came to say goodbye. For now. And I wanted to say I trust you.”

Caduceus adjusted his grip on Essek’s hands, a subtle gesture that the elf should brace himself for his next words.

“And that to take your life from us would be a grievous waste,” he continued.

Essek’s posture tightened. Caduceus rubbed his hands, reassuringly.

“I know you feel stained, but I promise you, you can be clean again. You have so much capacity to give and create. I can’t wait to see who’ll receive it.”

Essek’s gaze was fastened on the ground. Caduceus eyed him for a moment, then reached into his pocket. A moment later, and Essek felt something small and cool pressed into his palm. He looked down, and saw a smooth stone with a familiar swirl carved into it- a symbol of the Wildmother.

“I’ll be in touch,” said Caduceus.

Caduceus waited patiently as Essek took a breath, gathering himself from his overwhelmed state to respond.

“Then I’ll have two Clerics in my mind,” he said, weakly.

Not catching the joke, Caduceus smiled unironically.

“Yeah,” Caduceus said, “it’s great.”


End file.
